What a year...

A year ago today, we buried my dear grandfather. I cannot believe it's been a year. Like I've said before, I didn't think I'd survive a day without him, let alone a whole year! Growing up, I feared his death. I think mostly because I worried about how my mother would react. I must say, I've been rather proud of her. She has been a constant support to my grandma & hasn't left her side since he passed. Last April, I can vividly remember saying our good-byes to Papa in the hospital. We promised him that we would take care of grandma. Mom, you have been very faithful in upholding your promise!!!


We've had a lot of loss over the past year. Of course the loss began with Papa, yet it continued throughout the year. Last summer I had to put down my Great Dane, Paxton. It was a very hard decision to make, but I know I made the right one. Within a month, Mom had to put Simon down (Paxton's brother). Then, my Aunt Wanda passed away. Shortly thereafter, Aunt Betty. And then most recently, Jason's Aunt Betty. Whew... I hope we are finished for awhile!!!

Dear Papa,

Wow...it has been over a year since you left this earth. Your funeral was exactly a year ago today. Words cannot express how much we all have missed you. I think of you every day. Whether it be in my daily decision making or when we enjoy something (a nice meal, vacation, etc.) - I often find myself saying, "Papa would have loved this" or "What would Papa do?" I try to make you proud just like I did when you were here with me.

Erin graduated from nursing school last May. You would've been proud of her! She is now working at BMH, too! I started back to school last summer. I am scheduled to graduate in the summer of 2011. Classes are rather easy right now, but that is soon to change when my clinical rotations begin.

Jason & I rescued two dogs last summer, Bo & Brady. You would absolutely adore them. You would also laugh at how much Jason pampers them! Mom & Grandma have a dog now, too! His name is Charlie. He has been great therapy for them over the past year. You would love him. He's one of the cutest dogs I've ever seen!!! He is very stubborn. When they tell him "no", he barks at them! It's a good thing he is so cute!!!

The holidays were certainly not the same. There was an empty seat at every holiday dinner. We missed you & the way you loved having your entire family around during the holidays. We adopted a family, in your honor, for Christmas last year. We did not exchange gifts among adults. Instead, we provided Christmas for those less fortunate than us. We plan to do the same this year! We know this makes you proud! You were always going above & beyond to help others!

Cole & Betsy are engaged! They are planning to get married on your wedding anniversary next summer. Lilly & Grace are getting big. They are as sweet as ever. They still talk about you frequently. I am so glad that they will have fond memories of you, Papa! Part of me wishes Jason & I would've had children years ago so they could have met you.

We moved our unit into the new tower. I thought of you every step of the way. You would have been amazed at the building. I can remember our discussions about the construction as it went up. I wish you could have seen the final product. When Mom & Grandma toured, we talked about how much you would've like the building. It's amazing. The rooms are much larger and much nicer than our old unit. (Even though I know you loved that unit). I no longer half to walk by room 16 each day. Although I never let it show, it was a struggle each day to walk by the room where you died. Although, I would not have changed it. You were in the most capable & caring hands of all nurses & doctors.

Mom & I took Grandma on vacation last week. We thought it might make the one year anniversary easier. I think it did. Grandma had a wonderful time. I must say... she looked better in a bathing suit than we did! She loved lying in the sun, swimming each day, walking on the beach, and of course watching Judge Judy at 4:00pm. On the 30th (the actual anniversary), we started the day with Yoga on the beach. I'm sure this gave you a great laugh. We were forming and holding positions we didn't even know existed. Grandma did great. The instructor could not believe she was 78 years old. Later that day we took Grandma shopping at a designer clothing store. We know you would've wanted her to shop!!! :) We also took her for a manicure & pedicure combo. She loved it!

Life is not the same. And, I have finally accepted the fact that it will never be the same. Yet, it doesn't make it any easier. I try to be strong for mom and grandma. In fact, sometimes I try to be too strong. I still wonder sometimes if I am still in denial. I struggle in privacy. I know I do not go to your grave site as often a some. I am sorry. It is too hard on me. It makes it all too real. I know you understand.

I miss you, Papa! I love you with all of my heart!

All my love,
Nadia